As per title or might consider something else goofy I haven't tried yet

Must be black

Have you seen the stooge junker bars shawn?
http://stoogecycles.co.uk/product/stooge-junker-bar-70/

Looks great but far far too wide for me! I'd want 60mm off each end.

Surly sunrise bars - also hugely wide (which I like ) but cut-downable and a more sensible sweep? Sorry not selling a pair, just a suggestion!